I have been on a few flights lately and my observations have led me to believe that many Canadians need some advice about how to be savvy air travellers. So here you go, fellow Canadians. You can thank me later.
BOOKING YOUR FLIGHT Don't be a putz and use Google Flights or Flighthub or Expedia or your airline app or your airmiles points. Use a travel agent! Let them do all the clicking for you! For a modest fee, they will book you a fabulous flight with the side benefit that you will have someone human to yell at when your flight is cancelled or your luggage is lost. Just make sure to request one thing- make sure you have a layover in Toronto's beautiful Pearson Airport where you can get your 10,000 steps in just trying to find your gate, where the security staff will treat you like the honoured guest you are, and the efficiency at customs will make you want to wave your Canadian flag with pride!
WHAT TO WEAR There are a few schools of thought for the savvy traveller. One is to focus on comfort, wear your yoga pants and a hoody like you're headed to Walmart in your pickup truck. Our daughter has flown home from the UK in a U of A onesie. Now, that's next level cozy. The other way is to go old school, like back in the Wardair days when people dressed up to take a flight, drank champagne out of crystal goblets on the upper deck and ate a beautiful meal with a metal knife and fork off china plates. Another thought is to dress for your destination, so if it's the dead of winter and you're off to Puerto Vallarta- or flying back to back to Edmonton in November, there's nothing wrong with flip-flops and board shorts. A tad chilly on the plane, but whatever.
CHECK IN ONLINE Yeah, that's a given. But using WestJet's state of the art "save time and scan your passport" Zamna technology takes check-in to next-level fun, Just trying to get your phone camera to focus on your passport page without turning black could take a good half hour of entertainment. You can go with the boarding pass on your phone, but that's just a pain. All that turning your phone on and off when you would rather be frantically checking your Facebook for updates. Some airlines might suggest you fire up your printer and print off your boarding pass, and that's good advice. A lot of things can go wrong when you travel and the one thing that will save you is a massive plastic folder of paper that you can shuffle through at any time. You should definitely print off ALL your confirmation information.Hotels, short-term rentals, car rental, reservations at museums, itinerary, packing list, emergency contacts... you know what I mean. All the stuff that is already on your phone.
Now, when you check in online- if you didn't already do this when you bought your ticket- pay for your bags and select your seat or don't do either and let them ding you for it at the airport. Or enjoy sitting in the middle of the middle in front of the toilet while you cry about how much baggage fees are these days.
LUGGAGE Look, the thing about travel is that it's full of uncertainty. You don't know if your bed will be comfortable, or what the food will taste like, or if your waitress will speak English, or what stuff is going to cost, or if your taxi driver is going to rip you off. All of that makes you nervous. You have no idea what you may or may not need for your one week in London, so take the biggest bag you can find. Better yet, take two checked bags plus the maximum allowable carry-on, and you're golden. I mean, who knows if they sell shampoo in the UK? Take a big bottle. Maybe a towel and a blanket because for sure your hotel won't have those. Pack some snacks in case that foreign food upsets your tummy. You're going to need some reading material and guidebooks. Possibly your laptop, tablet and all the chargers and adaptors you can find. A power bar wouldn't hurt, now would it? Don't be a minimalist. You don't want to look like a tourist, do you? Take a lot of outfits and make sure to accessorize. Also, it might be warm. It might be cold. It might rain. Yes, you do have three weather apps on your phone, but there is really no way to be sure, right? Be smart. Be prepared. And when the airline loses your bag, they'll pay. Just wait 48 days and email all 16 Air Canada execs for whom you have contact info. Or just go with WestJet and never get a response to your many requests for reimbursement.
CARRY ON BAGS Airlines have been losing bags like nobody's business, so some people just take everything in a carry-on. Sorry, but there is just not enough space in a carry-on. Not even the one Instagram is advertising that is just over the allowable limit. So take some checked bags but ALSO that Instagram carry-on so you can take all those important items you may or may not need for the next 9 hours. If that bag is just a touch too big, who cares? No one checks! You know what? You're special. You can get away with a bag that's too big! And also your laptop bag and a giant carrier bag plus your "personal item". That should get you through the next few hours.
SECURITY There are just so many rules at security! Take out your liquids and put them in a resealable bag! Take out your laptop and your large electronics! But is that tablet a "large" electronic? What about your e-reader? What about the power bank? Oh, you put that in your checked luggage? Whoops! Take off your coat, your sweater, your shoes, your belt, your watch, your hat! Hold onto your passport! No! Leave your passport in the bin! Put everything in the bin! No! Put your liquids in one bin, your jacket in a different bin, your electronics in another bin! What, you didn't take off your belt? Go back and put it in a bin all the while getting yelled at like you're a bad grade eight kid on a field trip while all the people who were able to intuit what security wants butt ahead of you in line. That's fair. And then enjoy the "random" pat down and x-ray scan. It's all part of the fun.
FINDING YOUR GATE Now here is where the adventure really starts. There's gonna be monitors telling you where your gate is, so long as you didn't get there too early. My pro-tip for WestJet fliers is to find the most dimly lit area of the airport, you know, the one that is devoid of amenities and is furthest away from the security gate. Your gate will be over there. Just listen closely for when to board because they don't have a PA system over there.
GETTING ON BOARD. You're about to spend 9 hours crushed into a tiny seat. Therefore you should get on the plane as soon as possible. Cut into line, mill around the desk, and don't listen to all that talk about what "zone" is boarding now. You have a reserved seat, but still, race ahead. You need to make sure there is room in the overhead bins for your carry-on bags. And of course you're going to need time to get settled in to your tiny space. And then you are fully entitled to get irritated at that person beside you who comes AFTER you're all comfy and makes you get up and squeeze into the aisle while they get comfy. Unless you were smart enough to book the window seat.
EN ROUTE
A. Just go ahead and recline your seat. But do it really fast, especially if the person behind you has a full glass of red wine on their tray. Go ahead and start that chain reaction that makes everybody mad. Why do you care? You paid good money for that seat and you should use it to full advantage. If the airline didn't want people reclining their seats, they wouldn't have made them like that, right?
B. Entertaining yourself on a long haul flight is hard. My seat mate on my last flight watched "Modern Family" on her tablet, played one game after another on her phone, watched the flight progress on her setback monitor, and edited some work photos on her laptop ALL AT THE SAME TIME and still she was bored. The airlines have movies and games and music and something passing for "food" but that's not enough. That's where my advice about that giant carry-on comes into play. If you get bored, you can just stand up in the aisle rummaging for a granola bar or a change of clothes or something-in-a-crinkly-plastic-package. Take your time and make a lot of noise after lights-out. If you're still bored, call the flight attendant for something. Anything. Or there's always the time honoured tradition of pulling back the curtain to see what the business class people are up to. So you can get yelled at like you're a bad grade eight kid again.
C. If you have a tiny bladder, book the window seat. In fact, always book the window seat. Then you can get up numerous times and disrupt your neighbours. They really don't mind. In fact, you're preventing deep vein thrombosis, so they should thank you. It's a public service in a way.
D. Order off the special menu. Why? Because as we established above, you're special. And if you think that gluten-free, dairy free, specially packaged meal isn't really gluten-free or or they wedged a slice of cheese into your sandwich, they probably did. You know, they gave you the opportunity to order a special meal, packaged it, labelled it with your name, and hand delivered it to your seat before anyone else on he plane got anything to eat, but that doesn't mean they aren't trying to mess with your dietary restrictions. Give it a good going over and then just send it back. It will make your seatmates jealous that they didn't order it as they sit there waiting and waiting for their pasta or braised beef. Then-when you get hungry- there's the side benefit of getting up from your window seat and making your neighbours stand in the aisle while you rummage around in your luggage looking for snacks. See B above.
DEPLANING. If you look around as people are exiting the plane, or listen the flight staff, you might be tempted to think there are protocols. Like letting people with urgent connecting flights get off first. Or deplaning row by row. But as we already established above, you are special. The rules do not apply to you. So what if you made someone miss their connection by 5 minutes, forcing them to sleep on the floor of the Minneapolis airport with nothing to eat? That's not your fault. They should have planned better. Or used a travel agent. So the second the plane lands, you should leap to your feet, get all your bags ready, and then stand there impatiently. Turn on your phone and use it like a megaphone to tell everyone you have landed and if the damn airline could just get its damn act together, you could get off the plane! Once the doors open, barge past all the people patiently waiting their turn. Get between the people who were seated together and are travelling together. You've been on this damn plane for 9 hours already! You need to beat everyone to customs so you can be the first person to wait at the luggage carousel for your ginormous bags!
Have a nice flight!
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